just ugh

Life is tricky. There are two battles raging in my mind at all times: reality and perception.

I perceive myself as getting fit but the reality is that the scale continues to climb and I continue  to freak out. When I freak out, I want to eat something.... and when I'm too busy with work and school I just want to eat something fast and fatty.

I think I'm tired of fighting with the perception of what people are thinking. I care- all of the time- every moment of every day. I change 27 times based on who I will be with and what have they liked in the past.

This much caring is exhausting.

Velentine's Day

Diet Killer. That is all.

Status Check!

UPDATE:

currently 20 lbs down from my start weight and 28 from by 'loading' weight.
I'm 30 shot days in.

The smaller losses this round has made it a little tricky, as do the mini stalls and Plautus that I've experienced this round. I'm not suffering from hunger pains, nor headaches but I do find myself severely dizzy in the metro and some bars. I've always been predisposed to dizzyness but it has been a bit extreme in this past month. And my skin is so painfully dry, I've been using mineral oil but I'm going to need to find something else on the approved list. This is more than I can handle in the current weather!

I would like to get to get down to 170 by 2/26/12. That would mean 18.4 more pounds in 13 shot days. Not a realistic goal. If I could get to 175 by 2/26/12 that would be 13.4 more pounds in 13 shot days. Maybe that could happen.

The next obstacles are the three upcoming cheat days- Valentines, celebrating a birthday, and a whammy of a baby shower/goodbye party/and birthday party.

*please let me keep some control so that these days don't set me back.... they only stall me.

Let's go phase 2 ROUND SIX!

start weight. 209.6

start day. Sunday, January 15

plan. 2 loading days & 37 vlcd days.

End of round five

11 lbs shy of my last end weight.

kind of worn out on the diet.

another long break

three end shots

204.8

Getting back into things with #5

Okay

So Official Restart Weight 220... sounds familiar... no? Well I think it was my start weight for round 4, either 220 or 230. I should look it up, but I don't want any bad news.

June Restart

It took me a while to be able to restart- I'm not sure if I was putting it off, or if the world was. Either way this round is long over due!

at some point I stopped weighing myself everyday. MAJOR MISTAKE. Then I just stop caring, stop realizing what I'm doing and what I'm ruining!

So more lessons were learned on this break. hopefully I can get back down to 190 easily. I need to focus! I need to be disciplined! I need to get back on the big track.

Looks like I need three more rounds to get to my goal of 140 lbs. I still think it is a good goal, but I know that I shouldn't just be concerned with the number, there are a lot of other factors to keep in mind when I'm, striving for 'completion'. Maybe I'll take a vote at the end of two more rounds. Maybe that will be a happy weight. Maybe it won't be. Then the biggest struggle: actually keeping the changes to my life, holding fast on my new thoughts about food, taste, right and wrong.

They say that breaking up is hard to do, well so it breaking habits.